QFS Journal Article
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QFS Journal Article
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There have been many responses to the following Essay from a member of the QFS, H.S., both from other members of QFS, as well as from the general readers of the site. They are posted following the original essay, along with additional commentary. For some reason, depression has been on my mind recently...if not thoroughly imbuing it... or is it melancholy... I awaken every day and head to the computer to check the headlines. It is also the last thing I do before getting to bed. I get to bed late enough to be able to check the headlines in the European news for the "next day". I read what is going on. It sinks in, a bit more each day...the horror of it all. I remember Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now, "the Horror, the Horror..." surrounded by the dead. I, too, am surrounded by the dead, the dead of Christmas past: Afghanis mutilated and killed by the cluster bombs dropped by American war planes and pilots on speed -- that must be some rush --, women maimed by the Taliban while they were still the "good guys"; the dead of Christmas present: Iraqi children starving to death, dying because of disease that can't be treated for lack of medicine, or born horribly deformed because of the depleted uranium left over from the George the First; the dead of Christmas past, present and future: Ethiopians starving in a famine while happy and mindless Americans, Canadians, and Western Europeans celebrate Christmas, the rebirth each year of the offspring of the consumer God. How many more years will we allow this god to be reborn! Well, we know the answer to that one unfortunately. This is their world, this is the world of the fallen or of the yet to rise. But talk about "falling" and "rising", and you'll get glazed eyes or jokes about Viagra.... The dead are not only in Iraq or Afghanistan, they are here, doing their Christmas shopping and filling their stockings with gas on their way home from the mall. "I see dead people." I was discussing this with a friend last night, a friend who recently started therapy for his "depression". His therapist told him that "studies" have shown that it is people who are depressed who have the more realistic view of the world. Those who bounce along the highway of life feeling bright and cheery, according to these studies, live in little SUVs of happiness, protected by their refusal to think about things like war, famine, injustice, etc. They refuse to acknowledge the existence of these things, and so they are able to live happy and "normal" lives.... they don't even need to send Love and Light out to this stuff because it isn't even on the radar. I don't know what these studies are, but the results reminded me of a conversation I recently had with my mother. I mentioned in a message a few months ago that I had been on anti-depression drugs for three years. After stopping them, I found the C's site and everyone here knows the changes that can bring into one's life. So now my mother is linking this new activity of mine to the fact I am no longer on the meds. No surprise there, except that my mother is a very strong, intelligent individual who has had a lifelong horror of drugs and the Bush family -- but she has bought into the propaganda that depression is a disease that can be cured by a pill. Brave New World has arrived, but even intelligent and concerned people like my mother don't see it. Kind of like the fundamentalists that don't see that Revelations is happening before their very eyes because they could never imagine that the US is the "beast". The US as Bad Guy...what a "gotcha". Fiendishly clever, but only if you live there... From anywhere else it is a plain as the smirk on Dubya's face...."We'll photocopy those documents for you, sure..." Thinking about this made me wonder if "depression" and the chemical shift it creates in the brain might not be nature's way of telling us something is wrong OUT THERE and needs to be changed. This subsequent action to intervene in the world might be what reestablishes the balance of the chemicals in your system. But we know that we can't change "out there"...so what can we do? Find the exit, work our way out, do everything in our power to get the hell out of here so that we don't end up as part of the next service of lizzie fare...another 309,000 years of the same old same old, blood, sweat and tears, torture, famine and rich, white people... Can you imagine doing this all over again and coming back here, to this moment, to George W. Bush mouthing slogans about freedom as he enacts enslaving legislation and finds new ways to siphon money from the poor into the bank accounts of arms manufacturers, while making plans to slaughter Iraqi civilians in order to secure the oil fields and prepare phase two -- the destruction of Israel and Palestine? What did Santa give you for Christmas? "Material breach...the BEST GIFT I ever got! GOSH! Thanks, Dad." Is there anything more important than GETTING OUT? And the more you see it, the further disenfranchised you feel, the further removed from the walking dead, the more alone. The C's have said that Nazi Germany was the test run... and it seems that they meant it. No joke. The Real Thing. Over a billion served. I still find it hard to believe even as I see it happening before my eyes. And it IS HAPPENING before me, every day another brick in the wall. A nice high wall to protect ourselves, our prison....oops, our defence against godless terrorists everywhere. Merry Christmas. Responses to H.S.'s Essay From R.S., QFS: Yes, I feel the same.! It is absolutely INFURIATING to hear the 'small talk' going on around me and the totally unaware vacuous stares you get if you even mention anything of real importance to most people - even your family and some of your close friends and acquaintances. I think it is going to have to get a WHOLE LOT worse before the majority of people begin to see even a glimmer of what is going on around them. Of course, by then it will have been waaaayyy too late for anything at all to be done about it all. I can foresee plenty of whining, complaining and worrying about it then! And, perhaps some moans and screams from the tortured and dying. I heard on a couple of radio talk shows today various interviews and comments by hosts mentioning the 'inevitability' of attack on Iraq, and how in the last few days, even some of the holdout countries were getting into agreement with the US about the 'need' to do something about Iraq and Saddam. I said a few months ago that I felt it was going to be 'inevitable' that the US would attack Iraq. The only things missing were the excuses for the attack. Apparently they feel they have provided enough of those to the masses to assuage public decency and have swayed the minds of the commoners to relish a bloodbath on a 'despicable' enemy nation which desires our extinction. As you say, H**, this is only the start of a slide down into the pit of STS blood lust. So few have any idea what they are letting us all get in to. From B.W., QFS: yep! every day i remember that i'm alone (in my physical life at least), that the things and people (and myself) i once thought i knew.....nothing is what it seemed. you know the story. here in australia, most people i know think that america/bush/etc is 'bad', but they still don't think it applies to all of us.."it's nothing to do with us..why do you care about it so much?". even though they can see through the massively unsubtle lies which seem to abound now, the subtle twists of truth inserted everywhere still get 'em. or so it seems to me. anyway, all of this only ends up helping me to solidify my resolve and do work on myself. when i remember i'm "alone" i begin to see things from a "higher" perspective because the REAL I is not the b. w. that has been built up since i was born. i was thinking: take away all the programs from a computer and there is just the electricity. underneath all our programs is our Will (in the sense Don Juan used the word "will"). and i sort of think it's feeling the loss of all the programs that makes me feel a bit sad. From S.C., QFS: The answer is "yes" and......Just a think, from Don Juan and "Journey to Ixtlan":
From T.T., QFS: Thank you for posting this thread. When I read your letter I felt like you were reading my mind. I usually get quite melancholy around Christmas time but this year has been the worst yet. All month I've been at a loss to express the sorrow that seems to ride with me wherever I go. People come in to work and are so happy and wishing each other a merry Christmas, and sometimes it takes all I can muster to refrain from saying something like ... "Don't you read the newspapers?... Can't you see that we're at the verge of a world war?... How can you celebrate with all the awful things that are happening?" I bite my tongue, smile and return their greetings. Just tonight I was over at my mom's house eating pizza with everyone and this feeling of gloom and utter despair came upon me that I could barely swallow my food. As I observed my family around me, all talking and laughing, and inside I was chastising myself for being selfish for not being able to enjoy the lightness and joy of this simple gathering. After reading your thoughts tonight on depression I'm getting the sense that my feelings are perhaps a reflection of my growing ability to accurately assess the true nature of the reality we are living in. or so I think... From Z.H., QFS: It's all true, H**, every word of what you wrote. It's sad, and infuriating, and frustrating, and it's one more thing that will eat us alive if we let it. You know what else? So be it. We are doing what we can, and if the world makes this choice anyway, so be it. "The poor you will always have with you." Not just poor in money, but poor in mind and poor in spirit. What would be really depressing is if we were still living in that state too. From S.F., QFS: I feel like this every - single - day. When I was about 28 years old, my former husband's cousin died in his bed one night at the age of 24. He had traveled to his parents house to spend Christmas with them. He said good night, went to bed and never woke up. He had been married only 4 months. His bride was sleeping beside him when he died. His mother, who adored him, became very depressed after his death. A few months later, she went to see a psychiatrist at the urging of her husband. The psychiatrist tried to talk her into taking antidepressants. She refused to take them and, as she related in her story to me, she patiently explained to him that it is natural for a mother to feel profound sadness at the loss of a son so early in his life. She explained to the psychiatrist that it is natural to respond to grief and shock with depression. She explained to the psychiatrist that what is unnatural, is that this experience would have no effect on her whatsoever. She was laughing when she told me this story, because she was really telling me that with the death of her son, she had learned that everything in the world is sometimes completely upside down like Alice in Wonderland and that the psychiatrist was not willing to accept this. She told me that as the years passed, she did achieve a semblance of acceptance regarding this experience which nothing can possibly prepare you for. She said she doesn't know exactly when the depression lifted - only that it did. I think of her story often lately, as a reminder to myself that my own response is probably natural - under the circumstances. Everything does seem to be upside down and backwards. I frequently *feel* like I just haven't had enough time to prepare for the truth of it all. I do have many days when I don't want to know any more about the *really big show* that is presented for my viewing pleasure. Sometimes, I laugh out loud and I'm sure that if anyone heard me, they would think I'm as deranged as John Nash. :-) I also feel like I am experiencing one reality and the world at large is experiencing another completely different reality. The world at large doesn't have a clue about my reality... and I know all about theirs. It will not *always* be so H**. Always - is a very long time and for us, the time for change is drawing near. Winter is almost here and everything that appears so alive will appear dead. Then, spring will arrive and the snow and ice will melt and something new will grow. I care a lot about how you feel. I care that it matters so much to you. I care that you have the courage to share your thoughts and your feelings here with us. Be patient and strong. You are not alone. From M., QFS:
And so do I. My world is split to mornings and evenings. In the mornings, I get up and take care of my daughter. Almost every day, we have things to do and places to go: stores, playdates, storytime in the library, parent/child class, playgroups, doctor's appointments, whatever. I go through it all as in a dream. The sight of the almost empty roads in sunny and peaceful mornings, when the stores just start opening, is the worst. It's too normal and because of that, unreal. It's unreal that people can go about their daily business as if nothing out of the ordinary happens here at home and in the world. Small talk with other moms is especially weird. I feel as if I have a whole different face to display on those occasions. And every time, I come home baffled at the things discussed ('what I'll make for dinner', 'what we did last weekend', 'what has so-and-so been up to', 'look what I bought for him and her', 'did you see that movie?' ) could possibly constitute someone's chief interest and, in the end, someone's life. And every day, I keep on looking into their eyes, and there's nothing there besides what we talk about -- nothing. I used to pitch a few sentences once in a while, but gave up after getting blank stares. In the afternoon, my daughter takes a nap, and I have been doing the same thing recently, to recharge myself a bit in my last trimester of pregnancy. Then, my husband comes, and I finally wake up. Now, we can talk about happenings, brainstorm things, discuss family issues in a meaningful way that's conducive to learning; then, my Internet time comes. However, when everything is thus brought into focus, the pain is just as sharp and strong as was the morning feeling of remote disconnection. Thinking that I am soon bringing another soul and another life into this world, makes me very sad. I don't regret this by any means. It's just that when my husband says things like 'we should be putting aside this much for kid's college education', or 'in a few years may be we can do this and that', I get chills down my spine when I realize we may not have those few years, and even if we do, what will happen is completely unpredictable. The same split b/w morning and evening, b/w normal and real. And to hear all these people saying 'Oh, when is your baby due? How wonderful! ARE YOU EXCITED??' ... a strange word to choose, 'excited', I am afraid I am anything but 'excited' at this time. When I mentioned to a friend my low energy and a feeling of sadness about the state of the world, she responded with 'you know, when I feel blue, I just go out ... or fix myself a cup of coffee ... perhaps coffee may be good for you too!' Well, at least she didn't suggest prozac :) But the approach is still, symptoms of depression is something that needs to be fixed, by external means, and quick, so that we can go on and enjoy our lives. Personally, I have always been in depression, since I was 8 or 9 y.o. Or rather, I felt pangs of sadness for some reasons or for no apparent reasons, and thought that I am depressed. Sometimes it would get pretty bad, like in my teens or when I started grad school. And I did two things: either reveled in it, showing off to the world, or, later, took proactive approach and 'fixed' by looking for a reason, and thinking what it all means. I also supported the process by taking up exercise, going for trips etc. But, even when I thought I was really going into the root of the problem (like when I made a decision to leave grad school), I was still 'fixing' it. What I realized after taking my hypnosis class, and especially after joining the Quantum Future School is that this 'depression' is just the way I am, period. And there is nothing wrong or abnormal in that. It's simply pain that comes from seeing stuff, or from a vague and yet unproved feeling that life is more than popcorn on the porch. It doesn't need to be fixed and probably can't be. I tried to explain this to my friend. I don't believe she fully got it. She continues to amaze me with her genuine joy of life and her appreciation of its simple pleasures. Just listening to her talking about a chocolate cake she is making for family Christmas dinner would make anyone feel as if they are experiencing the whole thing, the taste of the cake and the warmth of the family gathering. I don't have that joy of life, and never did. But may be, now that I know it's OK to be sad, I could benefit from learning how to laugh and be happy again. Not about a chocolate cake and a Christmas celebration, but about the joys of our painful lessons, and the 'cosmic humor' or our situation??? From K.S., QFS:
This line in the movie resonated totally with me, too, as it was a spoken, outward affirmation of my innermost feelings about the reality of the "beast." Of course, I did not have the biblical associations at that time to name it "beast" and thought of it as the "U.S." or the "Center of Monopoly Capitalism" at the time. But "beast" is what it is. All of this has been so all along... (In our present focus of this big time loop, anyway.) It is only now becoming so overt that it will be plain for any "with eyes to see." And this actually makes it easier to bear for me. No more "wishful thinking" that just this one more piece of evidence will break down the block and someone will "see." Now is the time that we cannot be sidetracked by our 'projecting outward' desire to "help others" because it is becoming plain, imo, that our inner work, in whatever active form that takes for any individual, of exposing the predator and fusing the centers is THE focus. No more projecting it outward. Or at least it is for me, based on where I have "come from." Of course this does not mean NOT "helping" others when asked. Just the STS impulse to use the smoke and mirrors of projection to obfuscate our own predicament! For some reason, a signature quote that somebody has on another list came to my mind while reading your post. It is: "Life is a comedy to those that think; a tragedy for those who feel." ~~ Horace Walpole. And, although it is probably speaking about the lower intellectual and emotional centers anyway, it reminded me that we are working to neutralize these centers, so as to fuse them into a greater "vessel." Which is very hard work. Interestingly, I received an email from my sister yesterday urging me to persuade our mother to go on some new antidepressant. She wrote:
In other words, shut her up and make her go away!! I, too, was on prozac for 3 years. I started it because I was facing death. And death seemed to me at the time as the escape (not overtly "self-inflicted," I should add) from it all... I chose prozac and life, for a time. But realized after the "crisis" had passed that I could not face the demons in my life unless I stopped taking it. So I did. And, sure enough, the death threats materialized for me to face in the form of "another." And I met it "head on" in that form. Since I have been depressive most all of this lifetime because of the brutal nature of this "reality," I am still working on truly neutralizing. And this is the material through which it is forged. And my lifelong program of feeling depressed now appears to me (when I can truly "watch" it) as one of the major hooks holding me here now. Maybe at a certain point, the "emotional tool" of depression, which is an indicator to us that we are "seeing," is no longer necessary and must be let go. So that we can unattach to this STS reality. The only way out is to learn the lessons which began with desire... I know I do not choose this any longer. Almost no illusions left... OSIT right now. ;-) The predator within is ever-active, ever-watchful... Just waiting to interject a new "happy hook" to this STS reality. Thanks for sharing yourself with us. From K.S., QFS: You bet. We all see it in our own way H**. I never followed politics too much since I have always known that it was all a sack of lies but I'm nearly overwhelmed by the walking corpses I see around me at times. It quite literally seems like the movie 'Night Of The Living Dead'. Its even realistic down to the feeding frenzies. At times it gets a little better and I begin to think it is all in my imagination. But I keep getting slammed in the face regarding this stark reality. People live without meaning. There is no life in their life. Life has no meaning for the them. They build an opaque shell around themselves and they call this shell their life. They even paint these shells in pretty colors so it looks alive. But its empty inside. It only looks alive. And if you have a shell that is becoming transparent and is not painted with the pretty Day-Glo colors like theirs then they say you have no life even though inside your translucent shell something is growing because light could shine through. For a good part of this year I have not even turned on a TV (I couldn't anyway since I don't have one anymore). So what I do before going to work is study and watch people very closely. Now I know exactly why G. liked to write his books sitting in Cafe's. He liked to watch people as he wrote. I find that studying these ideas while observing people greatly enhances my awareness. It may have something to do with not identifying with them while observing them. It increases my awareness which helps me to "see" the ideas better. From my observations I can see the awesome power of the group mind. It's power is truly mindboggling. It's hypnotic when there is a alignment of minds in the group mind. We normally don't notice this when there is a force vector nullification in the group mind where everyone is doing their own thing and there is no significant magnetic alignment. But these days I notice that groups of people are sometime under "hypnotic spells." It's truly frightening of the negative potential of this. I truly believe that there are no depths to which people will not go if the group mind goes that way. Its like people are powerless to do otherwise when they are under the influence of these hypnotic spells. This is what I'm seeing right now. One of the problems H**, is people can live their delusions so convincingly, with such conviction and with such confidence that it can become quite intimidating. [With this work, the difficulty is] that you have no "real reality" to "hang your hat on," so to speak. Your depression may be related to this. Then (I'm guessing here), people begin to say with supreme conviction that its all in you and has nothing to do with what is "out there." Now you think its in you and this creates an alignment "out there" where everyone sees in you what you now believe to be "in yourself." Now this alignment solidifies and fixates the depression and you become the prisoner of this created reality because now it has developed a 'life' of its own by sapping your life force. This is just my guess. Anyway I know exactly what you mean when you say this Website is changing things. Its not the Website but rather its the truth expressed in it that has such power. So at least you now have a reality to hang your hat on. The point is to make this reality stronger then the influences of the delusional reality around us and then live this reality. I would call this Faith. From B.L., QFS: I think this is a complicated topic, this depression and I think it takes many guises - one being an internal, 'strangeness-sadness' that takes place after reading and thinking and dreaming about the material here - for me, sadness for my daughter - family and all, perhaps due to the 'truth' of what is shattered from what I learn(ed). And then there is the 'sadness' for others, or perhaps 'empathy' for others - others and how the world appears to them and how it has changed for me. And then there is the 'depression' that perhaps one has had to live/cope with for years of one's life. And I have thought about this until the early hours of morning and this can be a 'painful' burden, too complicated for a posting. There is something I do want to share and I don't think I'm an exception - I believe, H**, that you will find over time that you will have a continued sympathy, understanding for others and the world, but there becomes a fundamental change, probably chemical, that take place within yourself, where periods of depression become less and less and then it will stop. And this is probably linked to knowing the 'truth' ; And one last thing: things that you read a year ago and I mean things like math and concepts and drawings and ideas that you could not grasp then, will come easy to you now which will amaze you. I can speak from my own experience and I know I'm not an exception to this. From K.O., QFS: I could have picked any of the many responses to H**'s post for I identify with them all. What helps me is to keep telling myself I am running a program. But I must admit that it does get hard to continue playing this game because I feel as though I am hitting my head against a wall. An example that S.F. made me think of in her reference to John Nash was that one night last week I was sitting in the living room w/hubby and he had the show "Survivor" on T.V. The handsome million dollar winner was just picked for outsmarting the others. Questions were asked to him as the show wrapped up, to find out what tactics and thought processes he used to win. I was discussed at the blatant and approved nods he got every time he told the others how he lied (called strategy) to fool his partners in order to put himself at an advantage. We are being molded into people/robots who think this is the right way to live. At the end, as they were asking for contestants for next years show the host mentioned it would be a good idea to read "game theory" in John Nash's book. I choked and told my husband that John Nash was a psychopath and mentioned a few points that he didn't really want to hear so I retreated into my sewing room instead of subjecting myself to more. I put on the radio. The talk show host was talking about Sean Penn, calling him Sean PINhead. I had just found out that Sean's father, Leo Penn, was one of the many who were "Blacklisted" in the 50's. I wanted to scream at the radio "Of course Sean Penn can look at both sides and Thank God!" But I didn't yell for I'm growing used to this mindset that is drowning us. I laughed. The same night, a bit later, I logged on the computer and one of my sisters told me I was "harsh" because she prides herself in wearing rose colored glasses and I commented that I would really rather see things as they are. Harsh!? OMG! That's all I said to her. Times like this are most difficult. "Pointing out" the lies to others, that have become easier and easier for me to see for myself, does not work in this game, for it twists and boomerangs back at you making it seem as though "they" have it right and my/our views are off the mark. Very frustrating but I feel a shield building. I can't really agree that I am depressed...just on guard and a little weary from the battle. From E., QFS: When I was much younger (in my mid 30's) I was having a terrible time with 'panic attacks'. They had progressed to the point where I was terrified about becoming house bound (agoraphobic). My son was 2 years old and my daughter was 7. It was the Christmas Season and I was totally overwhelmed with the issues in my life. I visited the doctor and he prescribed tranquilizers and offered other medication as well. I took the scripts home and, after much deliberation, threw them away. My decision was to get over this/these problems of mine on my own terms. I was aware that I was putting a lot of stress on my own family as well as my brothers and sisters and parents. My search brought me to many different avenues of "alternative medicine", some of which helped alleviate the symptoms and some didn't. Actually, acupuncture provided the greatest help and relief of the mounting terror I felt with each passing day. Right before Christmas, my sister was visiting and before she left I broke down and cried and told her of my fears and my sadness that I couldn't enjoy this joyful season with the rest of my family. Instead of compassion I got a tongue lashing that has stuck in my memory like it was yesterday. She said to me "You are being so unfair to the rest of your family. We are tired of seeing you so upset all the time. Just take the damn tranquilizers or have yourself a nervous breakdown and get over it!!" And, with me standing there, crying, she turned and left. At Christmas I put on a good face and did my best not to interfere with anyone's joy. But I had already decided that what I was going through would either kill me or I would survive it. AND I DID SURVIVE IT on my own terms. It took time and I'm still not sure what happened, but haven't had a panic attack in 12 years. ((Knock on wood, ha, ha.)) No one really wants to acknowledge what's going on around us. Those who have the money are happy spending it. Those who don't are too emotionally and physically drained to care. Everyone's energy reserves are running near empty. I can't really say that I'm feeling depressed. What I am feeling is a profound sense of sadness - for the world, for our country, for my home, my family and especially for my children. For me, it's another one of those moments where I have already made my DECISION. I am outta here!!. Don't want to recycle again. Knowing that I have made my decision on that issue, there is a deep core sense of peace within me. I have much work to do still, but even with all the horror surrounding us in these unsettled times, I know I am a survivor. From H.M., QFS: I think we all feel the same way, H**, to varying degrees at various times. Some days are better than others, but we must not let it become overwhelming. The dichotomy is there- without depression there's no growth. The good thing about depression is that if you're not depressed, you're not awake- "there's no there there..." The one thing about reality is that if you're not awake, you stumble in the darkness. For those who are awake, the matrix just loves to use depression as a way to beat those awake down. The test is to overcome those feelings with the things in life that matter- each of us in their own way are doing as much to help this reality become apparent. The other thing I might add is that taking antidepressives blocks all those neurons that nature has provided us with to connect our spirit to our physicality. Could be that the residual effects of your "medicine" is wearing off, those synapses are raw with the reality of our universe. From T.P., QFS:
That's a good question, and I'm not sure that the answer is no. Certainly getting out is what we want at the end, but I suspect we came here to accomplish a certain task, and I would put that task above the goal of getting out of here. I do feel like you when I hear and see the things going on in our world. I don't like to use the word depression, I call it a sobering experience. It can take the joy out of a moment if I let it dominate. When I see the people around me and listen to their talk I realize they don't have a clue of what is happening and how they are being manipulated. But I try to accept them for what they are and try not to disturb them in their sleep. Maybe I drop a hint here or there to see if anyone is interested, but mostly I leave them alone. Anyway, you are not alone in this Henry, but don't forget getting out of here is not everything we are about. From J.Q., QFS:
Hi T**, aren't these two things one and the same? If our certain task (in a general sense) is to awaken, then following the idea of marbles and slots and awareness and "fit", as we awaken and grow in knowledge/awareness we will no longer fit here and will by default we will "get out of here".
isn't this is what we are doing this time around...? by helping ourselves to awaken we are doing the same for others since there is the possibility to affect others simply by being who we are and speaking the truth as we see it. Also, on a larger scale perhaps our graduating will help keep things in balance in a cosmic sense, STS Vs STO. From P.K., QFS: My thoughts exactly T.P. We came here to learn something, and to teach something. The lessons can present obstacles that seem (at times) totally overwhelming. For the longest time my guide has reminded me of two things... it helps me when the lessons weigh me down; BE here to observe and learn. Many will choose to be fodder. In this day and age, all information is available to those who truly seek it. It's work. We all have a choice, to learn it or ignore it. Many chose to ignore it and would rather wallow in the STS way of the world. Waking up is a process that can be painful. We knew this before we came here, we just can't remember that choice. Yes I want out, but as difficult as it seems sometimes, I am learning. I can't say the lessons that teach me are what I'd want to happen to me, but nonetheless, the knowledge I gain from it is invaluable. And when I do leave here, it will be with the knowledge that I gained and I will not forget those people and experiences that taught me. This (one lifetime) is all so temporary in the grand scheme of things. So while I'm here, I will do my best. I will also remain thankful for the wonderful people that have come my way to teach me and forever be enriched by their very temporary presence. From H.S. to T.P.: What do you think that task is? You don't mention anything specific. For me, getting out [learning the lessons of 3 D so as to be eligible to graduate to 4 D] is the task. Any other tasks would probably end up being part of the work to get out, even if it wasn't evident to begin with....like Noah building his ark. You mention that you don't want to let the "sobering experience" take the joy out of the moment. I guess I see it a bit differently. I want that "sobering experience". It is what fuels the work to escape. I see what is there, and I am determined to not get caught again... the joy of the moment can wait. Yes, I still have joyful moments, but they are not the default setting at the moment. Although, on another level, there is joy in all that I do because I have finally found my path. I am moved when I read what the people here have been through, the abuse you have had to take for refusing to take your prozac.... I would like to clarify something, however, for those who might be worried: I am not sitting in a corner unable to work or act... The "depression" I am experiencing is not like the one a few years ago. It is not about me and where I am in the world or in my life -- although there are certainly moments when I SEE myself, and it isn't a pretty sight. During my "real" depression, last time, I really was empty, unable to work, to think. I just didn't care any more about anything. What I am feeling now comes from that fact that I do care. This "depression" comes from looking at the world and understanding how STS it all is. It is a depression that fuels the work. I get up every day and I KNOW that the only thing that is important is DOing what I need to DO to get out. But, yes, there are some days when it just hits me too hard, and I am not even able to do that. But I do have a place to hang my hat, as K** put it. My sharing these feelings with you, putting them into words, is the tapping into the creative that J** suggested. As I share it with people who are living the same thing, SEEing the same things, feeling the same things, that turns the energy to the work. Just making that connection does something to the character of the energy. Being able to compare the two types of "depression" is helpful, too. To see the differences and know that even if some of the feelings are similar, the causes are very different. The first was the depression of the little 'I's -- "How do I get out of this mess!" These feelings of horror and sadness are more "How did WE get into and how do WE get out of this mess!" (Yeah, it was Lucifer, J**. It was us..."The devil made me do it..." -- that's a sixties reference for the young-uns on the list who may not know Flip Wilson.) As the piece posted by Ark says: "I will persist until I succeed." And I'll add: "Cause I ain't coming back no more no more..." But there is one thing that "depresses" me and it is related to this excerpt from Don Juan that S** sent in and is, I think, extremely pertinent.
As I see it, this is that cubic centimetre of chance. Right here. Right now. As the C's said to Terry, it is when you choose that counts. We see the Bush Reich at work, daily. We are putting the truth to the lie, but we know that THEY will not permit that to continue indefinitely. War is coming, and while some dissent may be permitted in these early stages, when things heat up further, you know that they will be cracking down. As we speak, they're making a list and checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty or nice... If they need to come down the chimney to ferret us out, they'll do that, too. And the Internet will be shut down -- for our security, so that "terrorists" can't organize together. This forum will no longer exist. Does anyone here doubt this? What are the implications? As I see it, the work that the C's have done with Laura and Ark and through the group with everyone here has been to bring us to this point where we can SEE what is going on so that we can GET OUT and DO something elsewhere. Think about Laura and Ark's previous life in Germany. The C's say Nazi Germany was the test run. Well, how about Laura and Ark's previous life being a test run, too: they were there, saw it happen, so that they would KNOW this time around what to do. They would SEE THE SIGNS, and fortunately for us, they would be here to help us see the signs, too, this time around. But I don't think SEEing is enough. As what we see changes, what we can do changes as well because there are more possibilities -- or is it because there is only one...one that wasn't a possibility before because we didn't see it. It seems to me that this phase of the Cassiopaean experiment is drawing to a close. The work until now has been to get us here, to this point, to this decision. To get to the next phase there is a test: What do you SEE and what will you DO because of it? From S.O., QFS: Yes, I feel this way as well. And it serves to reinforce for me that the choices I am making are the right ones, regardless of what my family and friends may think. I am reminded of Peter, Paul, and Mary's song "Blowin' in the Wind." The answer is blowin' in the wind. The difference is that people like my parents say that we aren't meant to know the answers, that that is god's place. I think the difference is that some people have heard that the answer is blowing in the wind, but they do nothing to hear it. Some others have heard the breeze whisper, but they turn away thinking that's all they need, or maybe thinking that they won't possibly ever be able to fly and learn the whole truth. And finally, there are those who hear the whispers, and they know they will never truly be free until they can learn to grow wings and fly and catch the answer, and know it, and live it by holding this truth in their hearts and minds. I would rather die lonely and broke knowing that I had done everything I could to find the truth, than to die surrounded by illusions, knowing deep down that I didn't give it my best effort. And that is what keeps me going. From R.N., QFS: I've been like this practically all my life. Yes, even as a kid. I was led to believe that something is wrong, because everyone else is happy by having their things, etc. But, perhaps its just that their carts are going in the wrong direction, just because the horses feel like going to where it "feels nice." Maybe our carts are heading into this because our intellect is steering us to the exit. The "other guys" are just gonna keep going wherever until they realize that they have headed nowhere (maybe I'm being negative or realistic). Right now I've been feeling neutral, sometimes up, and sometimes down. I notice how I crave the good feelings, whether it be from being around people I like or doing things like playing games, etc. I also notice how I crave the bad feelings, like when I complain about mundane things. But without these 2 sides, I would have to say the "depression" is more of an emptiness than feeling negative or down. For example, I get a job in the computer field that pays pretty well, and I'm happy, but then the job starts and I'm quickly back to complaining to myself... So I think and analyze a bit, and I see that I'm doing this because this is empty and boring, no matter how much challenge the job has. I remember M** speaking about this boredom before. These things happening in the world are sad indeed, but they don't seem to depress me much anymore. Perhaps I am desensitized, or I'm seeing this as the beginning of the end. Or, maybe I'm just nuts like Laura said, we can't know until (if) the wave happens. I add an if because I don't want to expect it. I'm glad you posted this though, because I feel the same and I bet others are too! From S.C., QFS:
Your post reminded me of some words from Don Juan, again, "Journey to Ixtlan". When I read his words, I try to read them without a literal interpretation, but more on a symbolic level. IOW, the "dark" being a symbol of "dark times", etc.
From Ark: Another possible solution is here: http://www.cassiopaea.org/quantum_future/scroll3.htm From D.D., QFS: Back in the 80s, when I was involved in sales, I found a copy of Og Mandino's, The Greatest Salesman in the World. For such a small book, it contains great inspiration. That little book, and the story of the scrolls, got me through some tough times. I used to give copies of it to friends in sales who were having a rough go of it. It is fitting that it's words have found their way here. Thanks for reminding me of it. I still have a yellowed copy of it around here somewhere. Since we are all, in a strange way, involved in selling, I highly recommend reading this book. From a reader of the site, not a member of QFS: Depression is not a good thing. It is important to keep your spirits and your energy up. Fear is food, after all. If you want to rise, you need to keep your frequency growing, and depression has the opposite effect. Here's how I do it. . . 1. Keep some perspective. The Internet is only one source of information. To look at it exclusively is limiting. There are SO many ways to learn and grow! Interacting in the real world, pushing and experimenting, putting into practice the things you have read on-line, is very important! 2. The whole exercise of having come to experience the end of the world and the beginning of the new is a really cool school trip! The whole, "Must escape!" mentality is, I think, a little bit misguided. It seems to be based on fear; on the lack of faith that all there is are lessons and that all experiences are valuable. You will rise when you rise, and indeed, I suspect that until one drops their fear, rising may in fact be, I won't say impossible, but 'hampered' at best. 3. Observe. Take notes. Enjoy the show. The things going on, even the dark manipulations of the Bush Reich are quite spectacular. There is always a joy in trying to stay one step ahead of the magician, to see how he makes the doves disappear. You can learn so much about how things work in this world by deconstructing the manipulations; not only providing protection for yourself against them, but by understanding the mechanics, one can apply those same principals in the positive. Ying and Yang, doncha know! 4. The trick to rising, I think, is unburdening the soul of garbage and fear and low-frequency stuff. (Get your Tonal in order.) The Love & Light people are misguided to be certain, but certain aspects of their message still apply. Don't throw out the baby with the bath water! 5. Do not be lethargic! (Important point!!!!!) It would be a gross mistake to think that I am suggesting that one stop striving because, "Everything will fall into place." The pieces will fall, and they do, but you still have to show up for class and do the homework. You just don't have to hate it. Indeed, I have found the work to be a pure pleasure so long as I remain in tune with why I came here. If you, as James Campbell put it, "Follow your bliss," and don't lie to yourself, and continually prod yourself into growing, then you can't really go wrong. Watching evil unfold is ugly, but there's no reason to be depressed. Your soul is immortal, and this is a great time for learning. You should be joyful to be here, and moreover, to be aware that there is even a show going on! From J.M., QFS: We all feel the same at various intervals. 'You handle depression in much the same way you handle a tiger.' So said some Psychologist that I forget. And to turn it into a pussy cat is not the object of the exercise either. (STS would just love that). Depression is a reaction to a world where we don't fit yet one in which we must become master. And sure, the vast array of STS armoury that is focussed in our direction draws out this depression all too frequently. We ALL go there at one time or another. How can we not with the times as they are? As others have said, our energies are naturally lowered by the perceived futility of it all, the realisation that we can only do what we can do for those who are responding and asking because that is their reality and that is their destiny. And we keep trying. It's all in the trying. For others who inhabit a different reality of the world as it is, we can do nothing except honour that choice. My particular battle is with anger. Depression caught and held me in its grip from ages 14-26 yet I was convinced that I wasn't depressed ever since I experienced what real clinical, manic- depression was from relatives. There are different levels no doubt. Yet looking back at my journals of that time and from recent comments from my folks, it was clear that they perceived me to be severely depressed. I knew I was closed off but I hadn't realised to what extent. Even up to a few weeks ago I convinced myself that I had not been depressed, as subconsciously, I saw it as a sign of weakness rather than a sign of growth. Yet I suppose it CAN become a weakness IF we let it consume us. The Tiger for me has not been subdued it has simply changed its stripes to accommodate anger or the response of a `wild' awakening. In other words, the blocked energy at various levels are still in the process of stabilizing and with each new realisation/lesson that is ACTED upon, the energy I hope, begins to be channeled or redirected to the higher centres. I suppose it either goes to an extreme deflation of energy (depression) or an inflation or ignition that explodes. Neither are productive but both are entirely understandable. So, my continuing intent based on this understanding is to always try to head it off at the pass. Gotta keep trying eh? A family member told me yesterday that from someone whom she perceived to be mild-mannered and reasonably calm most of the time, the displayed flashes of anger in my eyes were frightening. It was in fact a whole body radiation. And a friend in the last month once told me the same. I was aware of the sense of frustration that would occasionally rear its head but totally unaware of this intensity of anger that lay behind my softly spoken words. It is I think the continual frustration of the `Emperor has no clothes.' effect. Why can't you see goddammit? I want to help you SEE! A big fat program that is embedded quite deeply and surfaces mostly in a family setting. This, I am attempting to rewire. (zzst!) So, depression and anger could be very close partners indeed in the sense that they represent a basic expression or reaction of the attempt to cope with a situation that is perhaps, for us inherently against our nature and symbolic of an eternal struggle. Indeed, perhaps it is this injection of anger that PREVENTS me from returning to a more intense depression. The trick is to make that burst of energy a creative one. Something else to Master. And `getting out' of this dense expression of matter is perhaps dependent on our ability to remain detached but intensely focused on that struggle, both internal and external so that it finally becomes no struggle at all. (He says, wiping the sweat from his brow). Apologies for all the `I's in this post – I am attempting to understand and gather them in to their Master… From M.B., QFS: I am back at home now, in Buenos Aires. I am visiting my family for Christmas and well...things are not like in US or in Europe. People here ARE depressed. You can feel it as you breathe in the air. The situation here hasn't been this bad for many many years and the "Christmas Spirit" has forgotten that the south also exists. It is funny because being a Catholic country Argentinians don't seem to be carried away by the Christmas fever. I think it is because people here are disenchanted with reality and they have many reasons to be. Something I have noticed after being away for almost three years is that due to the constant abuse people are opting to rely on their own resources. Perhaps the potential soul beings of this part of the world are learning a hard lesson which will turn into a fruitful one in the future? I still have my doubts though. When I left three years ago It was partly because I wanted to run away from my family and from the country...I went away going after a bunch of false illusions; each one of them shattered at their due time. Three years ago I would have locked myself in my room to indulge in self pity and pity for others. I used to cry a lot...sometimes I was amazed at the amount of water my body was able to hold! Analyzing my old self through the old notes in my diary I realised a great change has taken place, especially in the last month or so. Today I feel I am not able to react in the same way as before...I am still not sure why though. Is it because I have come to terms with the world and accepted things as they are? Or is it because I am unconsciously keeping it all in in order to prove something to myself and thinking the opposite is just more wishful thinking? If this is the case, what am I trying to prove? Perhaps the knowledge I have acquired in the last months has activated some kind of protection which prevents me from feeling down for a long period of time?... Mind you, it's not that I don't care about the world or my family...I do feel compassion but from a different perspective. The group has witnessed my overemotional reaction less than a month ago and maybe it is too soon to say something has happened to me but something has definitely changed. All these ideas are very abstract in my mind though and it is very hard for me to explain exactly what I want to say... I am not sure I am being clear. The point is that when, for example, I see little children begging barefooted in the street I don't get overwhelmed in the way I used to. Is it perhaps the knowing that at some deep level they have chosen to be where they are? or am I deceiving myself into believing this? I must confess I am scared that the problem may be me and that I may be incapable of feeling...or is this a program? I do feel compassion but I can't help thinking there is nothing I can do to directly change their lives...but I can try to help them in a different way...an unseen way such as participating in the School, trying to point out the truth to the people who want to listen, little things that nobody will ever see but me and a few selected people. Perhaps, to say that all that matters is the soul may not be much of a comforting thought for some people but it does work for me. If I didn't have that I am not sure what I would have... I apologize again if I fail to express my ideas clearly...I may be bilingual but writing in a foreign language is difficult when one wants to express deep thoughts. Commentary A book I once read said that Depression is "anger turned inward." I have observed, over many years, that many of the people who experience depression are those whose natures are somehow "at odds" with this world. It is generally those who are not satisfied with the "answers" that our religions, our culture, our science, give us about the world and all that happens within it who become depressed. And this usually happens when they begin to seek outside the framework of the "solid reality" that is presented to us as the only "real" thing, that they begin to experience the repercussions of the movement of the "Matrix" that seeks to keep them in line. Generally, because they have been thoroughly programmed to believe that negative emotions are not acceptable, this reaction to those "machinations" of the Matrix - this "warning system" or "alarm clock," is suppressed or inverted, becoming depression. But actually, this is normal. True Esoteric work has a predominately negative aspect during the early stages. The individual must work long and hard to undo whatever hinders his evolution. In our world, ruled by the General Law - the Matrix Control System - this can be a monumental task. There are lies and liars and COINTELPRO's everywhere. The entire system of our present reality consists of this condition. But until discernment is learned by hard lessons and struggle, and then employed in making choices, there is no hope of further progress. Boris Mouravieff writes in his Second Volume of Gnosis: (with slight editing by me for the sake of clarity)
When the emotional center is asleep, as it is for most human beings in this world as a result of the programs and activities of Cosmic COINTELPRO which includes religious, psychological, and social deceptions and distortion, it dreams. The emotional center's innate capacity for creating images is usurped by the intellectual or moving centers, and this then creates images of false realities that compensate for the actual reality that is being experienced. When the negative emotions are evoked in the sleeping, dreaming emotional center, in response to reality, elements from the intellectual or moving centers are added to them according to our social, religious, and psychological programming. We then "fall into confluence." Men and women commonly fall into moral prostitution in its infinitely varied shading because their actions or thoughts corrupt the pure negative emotions, deny them, suppress them, or otherwise create fantasies about reality using that energy. As in the case of positive emotional reactions, the energy of the negative emotions spreads over the whole of the motor center and penetrated the motor sectors of the intellectual center and a state of profound confluence is the result. That is to say, that the individual will shift into a dream or an action that is programmed into them. Driven by shock or passion, a man loses his inner peace and falls immediately into the program, and proceeds to express his negative emotions via the intellectual or moving centers, and the energy is thereby lost. If, however, at the moment when the negative emotions arises in him, the subject remains calm and does not mechanically begin to run a program, something powerful and positive can occur. By persistent introspection, the individual can observe the rise of the negative emotions and can disconnect them from intellectual or moving center usurpation and, understanding the origin of the reaction, will shed light on the inner darkness. The individual is then in a position to perform an act of primary importance:the liberation of the energy of the negative emotion for positive use. To allow this energy to be kept in the emotional center itself, to concentrate there, while simultaneously acquiring the knowledge of the external reality that stimulated the emotional reaction, and preventing the energy from being dissipated by the moving center, is a "victory" over the negative emotion, a mastery of the self that immediately brings an inflow of joy to the lower emotional center. This occurs when the negative emotional energy, concentrated in this way, causes the lower emotional center to vibrate at the rapid rhythm that is normal to it, which then establishes instant contact with the higher emotional center which triggers the current of higher emotional energy into the lower. The inflow of higher joy in the current of energy from the higher emotional center can then act on the energy concentrated in the lower emotional center by induction, transmuting it into the higher energy of the soul, which is the essential process of fusing the magnetic center, or growing the 4th density body - the gradual transformation of the physical body to the immortal body. With practice, this contact can be prolonged with more rapid results. And, of course, the more violent the negative emotion, the greater the quantity of the emotional center energy that is produce, the more difficult the process, and the greater the rewards. As the neophyte proceeds up the staircase, he will find that he experiences fewer negative emotions. It is at this point that he will discover the obvious utility of those who are hostile to him in the extreme. As long as he is on the Staircase it is in insults, hate, jealousy, treachery and the contempt of other men that the seeker finds the elements which are necessary for him to awaken his emotional center and utilize the "shocks" and "blows" and "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" to power his ascent. By dominating the mechanical reactions - the programs - that the reality "out there" may produce in him, by separating and rejecting the elements that are parasites on the fine energy of this system, the seeker is able to mobilize the fine energy produced by the negative emotions. This accelerates the growth and development of the magnetic center which then enables the transition to the higher density. It is for this reason that the seeker understands why he should "love his enemies and bless those who curse and persecute him." The saying: "Knowledge Protects" is wholly applicable to the inner revolution that takes place within the seeker. For all of our lives we are slaves to the programs that are set in motion by our negative emotions. Our intellectual centers steal this energy and produce all kinds of rationalizations, suppressions, fantasies of power or illusions that we have "mastered" the emotion simply because we are able to suppress it, or tell ourselves egotistical things like: "I'm better than that because see! I can suppress my reactions. I can say nice things when I am really boiling mad. That is what makes me superior." With knowledge of the true nature of reality and the programs that run in us, we are enabled to completely halt any such usurpation, to allow the concentration of the emotions - whether negative or positive - which then set our entire being on a higher vibration. When we cultivate the inner "peace that passes understanding," which is the result of the transmutation of negative emotions, our opportunities for exploiting negative emotions become rather scarce, as noted. It is then, as also noted, that it is realized that the only other source of negative emotions is outside us - what Don Juan referred to as "Petty Tyrants." We must obtain the necessary shocks from the "world at large," so to say. This kind of shock is never lacking for those who work in the world, which is why remaining "in the world" is so valuable to esoteric work. To the Matrix, anyone who "moves against" the General Law is a fugitive and The Matrix takes immediate steps - a whole series of appropriate measures - to make the rebel fall back into line. This is the great struggle of the Grail Quest - the Invisible Combat on whose outcome the fate of the Knight depends. The uninterrupted combat lasts the whole length of the Staircase and the Seeker does not obtain his final victory until after the last trials, when he finds himself in front of the Second Threshold. The struggle is painful, especially because one does not recognize the enemy until after one has been hit; his approach is always masked in infinitely varied ways: considerations, seduction, a desire to be useful or agreeable, condescensions, noble attitudes, and so on. But whoever commits himself on this field of battle can still find help. This help comes to him from the depths of his being and from outside him. In the first case, it is his absolute sincerity towards himself, and the purity of the flames of desire for Truth with which his soul is ablaze. This is his "faith." It is a certainty of the invisible realms. But, since the invisible is unknown by definition, the most ardent faith can be sincerely mistaken and the knight may serve evil with all his heart, with a sincere mistake. He can be thus defeated by false teachings. The example of St. Paul describes this condition. But, this same example shows that the heart aflame with desire for TRUTH - by its existence and sincerity - can call forth a response from the Universe that can act as "vision on the road to Damascus." In this sense, the law: tendencies accentuate, applies. This is expressed in common parlance as "only the first step counts" and applies algebraically, that is, in a positive or negative sense. An example: in terms of moral effort, it is no less difficult to steal for the first time than to practice an unaccustomed virtue. Repeated actions of either path creates a habit, a force of inertia. Persons whose foundation is begun on lies, who then cover those lies with more lies with the pretense of "explaining" the initial lies, are simply cementing their habit of lying, and accelerating their descent into the STS mode of existence which only results in disintegration. Conversely, each partial victory over negative emotions while faced with simultaneous and reiterated attacks, augments the reserve of fine energies and so strengthens the Knight's strength in the battle. In the course of this Invisible Combat, a particular passion, the same mirage, loses its power over the victor once he has overcome it once, twice or more times. So, while the Knight advances on the Staircase his inner peace becomes more and more complete and unalterable. He will see his assailants waver and retreat, one by one. He has established a steady and permanent peace within himself and has thus become unmovable by inner or outer shocks. This inner peace is achieved by fusion. Which brings us back to the problem of the necessity for finding new sources of fine energies. As noted above: The negative half of the emotional center is necessary to ensure its complete functioning. While the positive part responds to agreeable impressions coming from the outside or the inside, the negative part responds in the same way to disagreeable impressions. This is the normal role of negative emotions. In this sense it can be called the positive role of the negative emotions. That is to say, the positive role of the negative emotions lies in the fact that they serve as awakening alarms. The direct effects of negative emotions usurped by the intellectual and/or moving centers is always destructive. It can damage the individual's health, provoke discord in families, give masses of human beings the impulses that push them to wars. This dynamism communicates impulses to the unawakened individual which forces him to act violently. The energy of the emotional center penetrates to the motor center and makes it vibrate in a violent way. At the same time, it penetrates the intellectual center giving energy to calculating, cunning, and lying thoughts. In this way, the organism of man's psyche comes out of its somnolent mental state, but in a very negative way which the intellect cannot deal with because it contradicts all the "social and religious programs" and so the psyche then voluntarily goes back to sleep to escape the negativity until some other shock wakes it back up again. In the sense of humanity, the masses of human beings on the planet, wars are negative emotional "alarms" and devices for waking up humanity. History shows us that wars provoke a reawakening of human activity of all sorts, not merely on the battlefield, but also in science and philosophy and ethics. It is from that activity, provoked by the calamities of wars, that marvels are born for the following generations. Without this negative reaction, the door of the path of access to ascension would be closed to individuals as well as human groups. And so it is, for those who can be "awakened" by this activity in our present reality, who can utilize the emotions evoked by this "Petty Tyrant" of our external world; self observation combined with knowledge of the true nature of reality and the programs that run in us, such individuals are enabled to completely halt the usurpation of their energy by the intellectual or moving centers, can then facilitate the concentration of the negative emotions which then can set their entire being on a higher vibration. The process of fusion may take many years. On the other hand, with the right circumstances - such as the present "petty tyrant" of the external reality - it can be rather rapid. It occurs in five stages. The Five Stages of Fusion First Stage: This period consists in sustained self-observation with the objective of getting to know all the different "parts" of the self, the programs, what is "automatic" or mechanical, and what is not. While this stage proceeds, the Seeker must continually be aware that what he is observing is a myriad of "I's" and that very little of what he observes is the real "I." Once the seeker has become familiar with the spectacle of his many "I's" that constitute his personality, he must attempt to discover which of these "I's" are the ones that wish to dominate the rest. These are generally "I's" that exist due to lying to oneself or hypocrisy. These "I's" must be unmasked in the first stage of the work. Otherwise, any fusion that takes place will be improper and incomplete and based on a false reality. In the Quantum Future School, we have seen many seekers who have come and gone for the simple reason that they cannot bear the unmasking of the controlling "I's" of the false personality. After studying this phenomenon for some time, we came to the realization that, in many cases, this was due to the fact that there simply was no possibility of fusion because the individual was an Organic Portal and did not have the higher centers to either motivate or fuel this process. Lying to oneself sometimes takes on extremely finely shaded forms that necessitate total and sustained attention. To eliminate useless lying to others does not demand continual effort: one must simply watch to see that it does not slip into conversation. At the moment when the lie is on our lips a simple effort of attention is sufficient to stop it. As for efforts at suppressing lies to oneself, they entail quite different and important consequences. Such lies grow deep roots of such psychological subtlety that it is difficult to uproot them. An example is the question of marriages or friendships where one of the partners, having realized that the union is in error, persists in trying to convince himself of the contrary. If he is of an affectionate nature, he will redouble his amiability towards his partner. The absurdity of the situation reaches its limits if the other partner reacts by adopting a corresponding attitude - without truly feeling any sincere or spontaneous glow of tenderness. The danger from the esoteric point of view is that, by mere force of habit, such a situation takes on for one or both of the participants, the value of Truth when it is, in fact, a lie. This kind of lying to oneself can go on for dozens of years with people who are amiable and of good faith, entailing generally tragic circumstances at the end. The person who struggles against lying to himself must be forewarned of these difficulties and of the collapse of some, or all, of his greatest values, illusions, beliefs, ideas and theories about his world. The true, deep, inner work cannot even begin until the novice has passed through this general bankruptcy and has had all his "gods" thrown to the ground. He will sometimes feel bitter regret as his beautiful dreams vanish, but at the same time, he will feel himself more and more liberated. His growing sincerity towards himself will establish an atmosphere of truth in his inner life. The law proclaims: "Ye shall know the Truth and the truth shall make you free." Inner non-considering - or the ability to be brutally honest with the self with deep sincerity - is the crucial element of unmasking. The lies that one tells the self - either by programming from the exterior world - or to deal with shocks to the interior world must be done away with. An individual who cannot bear the Truth can never know Love. This conquest of inner lying is the sine qua non of success in esoteric work. This alone makes it possible to observe the work of the lower centers objectively. It is sometimes necessary to resort to force and violence against ourselves - those little "I's" who have taken over our lives. This is how we eliminate the roots of Illusion within us, the mother of lies to ourselves. Second Stage: Outer or inner circumstances provoke conflicts in us between the I's of divergent tendencies - faithfully reflecting the world of "A" influences. Each conflict produces a disagreeable sensation of inner friction. At this point in the process, it is crucial to be very watchful and aware. One must be actively present in the process of identifying and naming the lies one tells oneself and the programs that one is influenced by, while at the same time resolutely detaching from the effects. If we identify with any of the I's that are the production of lies or programs, not only is the friction of the unpleasant sensation lost to our use, we risk the danger of falling into the program, and it may take a great while to escape it again - if we ever can. As noted above: the law that says tendencies accentuate, applies very powerfully here. We are here faced with moral effort and when the process is being done consciously, as stated: it is no less difficult to steal for the first time than to practice an unaccustomed virtue. Repeated actions of either path creates a habit, a force of inertia. Persons whose foundation is begun on lies, who then cover those lies with more lies with the pretense of "explaining" the initial lies, are simply cementing their habit of lying, and accelerating their descent into the STS mode of existence which only results in disintegration. Conversely, each partial victory over negative emotions while faced with simultaneous and reiterated attacks, augments the reserve of fine energies and so strengthens the Knight's strength in the battle. So, resolution, dedication, and brutal honestly with the self are crucial here. This process of liberating the self from the domination of the programs, of essentially "killing" all the little "I's" of lies and deception, results in the production of very fine energies which can accumulate to our advantage. In the Quantum Future School, we have observed many of those who fall at this stage, do so from anger. This anger seems to be the anger of the false personality that is afraid of its own death. If this false personality is stronger than the "desire" to achieve liberation - if there is insufficient knowledge of the reality in which one exists to fuel the desire to be liberated from it - then the negative emotion of facing one of these programs is immediately usurped by either/or the moving center and the intellectual center. The energy of the emotional center penetrates to the motor center and makes it vibrate in a violent way which causes the individual to act in an aggressive and insulting way. At the same time, it penetrates the intellectual center giving energy to calculating, cunning, and lying thoughts. Because these thoughts are supported by the cultural, social, religious, or other Matrix programs - as well as the General Law - it is easy for them to take hold and the individual ends up rationalizing, justifying, and otherwise feeding the negative emotional energy into a disruptive, aggressive, antagonistic stance which often |